Special K

By Iris Doyle.

I know it is over but I feel as if I am back at the beginning. Spinning in circles

so fast I can barley breath. I see streams of colors pass like a flying rainbow. My

heart is beating and my blood is rushing. I feel so cold but somehow still warm. I

reached over and grab Keith’s hand. The texture and the size I knew so well I felt

right at home. A get the chills and foolish grin spreads across my face as I remember

the moment when I first saw him.

I walk through the Smokey house looking around for my friends they

seem to be nowhere. Someone violently knocked into me. The room went

black and I felt myself hit the floor. When I woke up every thing was blurry and I

couldn’t remember what happened to me. Soon the blur turned in to my friends

“Are you ok?” came from the right

“Dude what the fuck happened?” from somewhere in above me.

I closed my eyes, opened them again, sat up with my head hanging and

started to explain what happened to me, “I don’t really know I was just looking

around for you guys and some ass hole knocked into me.”

“Well we are sorry we were so hard to find. Are you alright?” I lifted my

head to nod and my eyes met his deep green curious gaze. Keith Morrison, the

most gorgeous man I had ever seen. Skin like a warm sandy beach. Smiling

like superman always saving the day. His hair was dark like chocolate shiny like

water under the brilliant sun. I knew right then that I had to be with him.
They called him Special k. I wanted to spend my every moment with him.

He was an artist. Keith would sing to me, paint pictures of me, and made every

moment we spent together perfect. I was falling so hard and so fast but I wasn’t

worried; I knew he would be there to catch me. Keith was a wanderer. He never

stayed in one place for very long. He was always exploring for what else was out

there what was next. We never did the same things from one week to the next

and we never went to the same places. Everything had to be new and exciting,

The ride we were on was slowing. I began to feel grounded again. I released

my unacceptable grip from his hand. I could breath again. The ride began to get

boring I just wanted to get off. I wasn’t sure it was worth the wait to stay on I just

wanted the feeling I had before to come back. I looked over. Keith was smiling at me.

I knew I shouldn’t just leave I had to stay on. It could still be fun for us.

We decided to move in together. We knew we were in love. We knew we

didn’t want anything without each other. There were no questions about it. We

didn’t spend much time looking for a house, we knew we would be moving out

soon anyway. Our apartment was cute but small. Neither of us had a job. Keith

would sell paintings whenever he got a chance and that was good money while

it lasted. But our money would be gone soon. I was starting to question if us

moving in together was a good choice, we were barley making it. Would this tare

us apart? I hopped we would be ok.
The sheet next to me was cold I opened my eyes and saw that Keith was

gone. Where could he be? Were things that bad? I didn’t think he would actually

leave me. My heart was thumping and my skin was frigid. I got up. My feet

touching the stone cold floor, chills shot up my body. I walked through out the

tiny house looking everywhere. He couldn’t be found. “Its ok” I’d tell myself “he’s

coming back for you”. I wouldn’t listen to my self; I lay down on the couch and

My hands were getting cold again and my eyes were watering. I shook my

head and tried to blink the tears out of my eyes. Why was this going through my

mind now? Hadn’t I had enough time to think about all of this? Why would I need

to feel this way again? The ride made another uncomfortable jolt and it screeched

and slowed down almost all the way to a stop. It made me shake. When the high-

pitched sound finally came to a stop the ride began to pick up spinning in the other

direction. It was good to have that familiar feeling again spinning around and

around seeing all the colors and feeling happy again. I loved the rush. Excitement

rushed throughout my body I felt like I was on top of the world, I smiled and wanted

I woke up; my pillow was drenched in my tears. I felt suffocated as I

remembered that Keith was gone, I couldn’t even move. I took a deep breath

and noticed something behind me. I felt the warmth of his skin against me. Keith

was back. He looked exhausted. I wondered where he had been, what he had

been doing. “Honey are you ok? You look really sick.” He looked back up at me

and smiled. There was something different in his smile something distant and

twisted. He sat up and reached for his backpack and pulled out a little glass

cylinder halfway filled with white powder. He seemed week and somehow I was

still curious. I wanted to know what he was going through how he felt and why he

was acting so strange. I could tell that something bad was going on but I felt as if

it could bring Keith and me back together.

“Babe. You have to try this.” He said kind of half dead, and half excited.

He cleared off the table, sweeping off the paper opened to the classifieds page

and knocking off a procaine mug that shattered as it hit the floor. He carefully

tapped the contents of the jar out focusing on nothing but what lay ahead of him.

The powder was so light and so delicate but it hit the table with an unexpected

force as he tapped it out on to the table. The white fit uniform in two perfect

lines. I was unsure of the new Keith if I liked how he was being. But I loved him

I did just as he did. We were perfect for each other right? We were meant to

be together. I thoroughly convinced my self that everything was going to be ok

and jumped back to reality. I guessed one track was for me and the other was

for him. He pulled out something else from his backpack; a business card and

a dollar bill. The card was from the relater’s office across the street and the

dollar new; it looked as if it had just been printed. He used the familiar card to

straighten the lines. He gently rolled the crisp dollar bill up in to a tight straw.
I had no idea what was about to happen I just new I needed something

else in my life. Keith used the straw to sniff up the first line. As I watched I

thought of my poor mom in Ohio. She was sitting on the couch watching law and

order like she did every night. I thought of how I had stopped spending time with

my friends I just wanted to only be with Keith. I couldn’t get enough of him I was

addicted. I stopped trying to make my dreams come true. I had wanted to be

an actress but instead I just stayed around helping Keith with his art. I wanted

nothing in the world to be with him. He was my life. When I was with, when we

were together we were happy.

Keith passed the dollar over to me. I cleared my mind of everything in that

moment. I knew I had to do this if I wanted to be with him. I knew that if I just

jumped in everything would be fine. I just wanted to be with the experience, with

Keith right now. There wasn’t much left on the table just my sad little line, but

I didn’t hesitate as I inhaled the dust in to me. What had I just done? I wanted

to sneeze I wanted to blow it back out. I looked over at Keith; he had a blank

expression on his face. He looked over at me and smiled. I leaned over and

gave him a kiss. I lay in his arms constantly checking in with my body every

couple of seconds. Was it working? Did I feel any different? I was calm for a

brief second and the questions came back. What if I didn’t take enough? I hope

it’s not scary.... The next thing I knew I did feel different. Nothing about me was

normal. I felt like I was entering a dream. I couldn’t really feel my own hands or

feet. I didn’t feel like I could try and have control. I thought I wasn’t part of my

own body. It was great. Nothing in the world mattered at all. I wasn’t thinking of

my mom or my friends or my self. I was just feeling the moment. Keith got me

up. I didn’t really feel like I was on the ground. I was somehow just above it. I

could every particle of air on my skin and every never in my body buzz with good

feelings. Keith decided we should go on a walk. We left the house on top of the

world. I hadn’t felt that happy in a long time. I smiled and wanted to scream.

We were totally spinning again. I loved it. I wanted the ride to last forever. I

couldn’t even think about being anywhere else. It was just Keith, the rush and me. I

was on top of the world I could feel this way forever. The ride began to slow down

again. It slowly came to a stop. The seatbelts came off and we all started to get of.

But I hadn’t had enough. “Keith. We have to go again. That was my favorite thing

He just looked at me and smiled and we turned around and got back on. I

didn’t know why I had to do it again; I just didn’t know how to stop. I was having

so much fun and I knew that I could be with Keith. We got back on the ride and the

greasy carnival ride man buckled us all in and started up the ride. The rush came

It had been six months since I had first tried ketamine. I loved the way it

made me feel. It made me dream while I was still awake. It makes me not myself

but I was still so much me. I would rise up out of my body. I could experience the

world with out weight or time. I wanted it all the time.

When the high would stop it would hurt. I couldn’t be happy with out the

drug. We had to start injecting it now; snorting wasn’t getting me where it used to.

I needed to be high. I couldn’t live without it. Keith and I were getting desperate

though. We didn’t have any money and we couldn’t find jobs. We had sold most

of what we owned and only had 400 dollars worth of stuff left. We never had

more than a couple boxes of saltine crackers and a few cans of Campbell’s

tomato soup and struggled to pay the rent.
I drove Keith and I up to the pon-shop so we could sell what was left of our

things. I needed more drugs, we needed more drugs. We didn’t have an option. I

couldn’t imagine life any other way than being high. It was all I lived for. I couldn’t

deal without it anymore. I brought the car to a sudden stop and parallel parked

across the street. I got out of the car and slammed the door as I ordered Keith to

wait in the car for me. I grabbed our shitty TV out of the back and carried it in to

the shop. The guy who worked in the shop was a creep. He kept trying to stand

close to me, to hold me and touch me. I should have just left the place but I really

just wanted my money and I really just wanted my drugs. I brought my TV. to the

counter and asked how much I could get for it.

“I’ll buy it from you for 300 dollars if you come up stairs with me.” He

winked at me and smiled. My whole body cringed. How could I say yes to this

greasy disgusting man? I couldn’t, I wanted the money though I couldn’t say no. I

needed my drugs. I needed to be high.

“Ok.” I said as my head hung in shame. I followed the gross man to his

apartment upstairs. The place reeked and it was crowded and scary. He took

me to a dark room in the corner. He made me give him my things so I couldn’t

run away. He shut the door behind me. Thankfully it didn’t take to long and he

gave me the money he promised. When I got back in the car and gave Keith the

money. He counted it there was more money than that TV. could ever be worth.

He put the money in his pocket and gave me a look. What was he thinking? What

had I just done? I was disgusted with myself I didn’t know what to say.
A dirty, guilty feeling took over me. I had done something terrible. I had

to be free of it. “I fucking slept with him ok?! What’s the big deal? I got us our

Fucking money right?” his face looked sad and responsible. I think he knew he

was loosing me and he knew it was his fault. He just looked and nodded.

The ride was back at full speed again. My head started to hurt and I felt like

I might throw up. I hadn’t felt this way the first time. What was happening now? I

loved the subtle familiarity still. I couldn’t tell the operator to stop. I didn’t want him

to stop it. I couldn’t deal with pain and the pressure but I had no idea what I would

It had been 3 months of having nothing. We had been living with no food,

no heat, no water, and now we had finally used the last of our drugs. I was

feeling terribly sick in the mornings and I didn’t know what I should do. I couldn’t

just quit. Was that even possible? I knew it was but how could I do it. I needed

“We have to stop. We cant live this way anymore.” I cried to Keith. I was

in so much pain and he was suffering too. He knew it was true. I just felt like he

didn’t want to admit it. He knew we needed help he knew we couldn’t continue to

live this way and be happy.

We cleaned our house and threw out all of our bottles, vials, needles, and

shit from out drug addiction. Everything we had was a constant reminder and

a constant distraction. We needed money to help ourselves out. We needed

food and we needed to be normal again. We walked in to the park and sketchily

looked around. There was an old woman asleep on the bench and here wallet

was right next to her. Keith casually walked by her and grabbed the wallet from

the purse. We used the money to buy us vitamins and food. We got home we

filled our fridge. It was reliving, the fridge had been empty so long. We were

going to stop. We sealed all of the windows to make our house dark and started

The ride came to a stop. I was still dizzy and still sick once we got off. I

figured that would all end once I got off. I thought it would just be over. But how

long would this dizziness last.

It had been a week with no ketamine. I had pulled almost all of my hair out

and scratched my legs till they bled. I had gone through hell but I was finally

feeling better and I had never felt so alive or so in love. Keith had been there

through everything. He would never left me and he never would leave me. We

were going to be ok. We were going to make it through. We cleaned out our

house and decided to move. We needed a new beginning we needed a fresh

I wasn’t dizzy anymore. My head was clear. I knew what I wanted and I knew

I had to be stable to get it. I know things aren’t perfect yet but we had made it this

far and we never left each other’s side along the way. I was going to try our new

start I was going to make it work. I couldn’t leave now. I grabbed Keith’s hand and

followed as he led me to his car. The day was over, the day was clean, and there was

still going to be a tomorrow.